An aside for our European and North American friends. I am guessing at this point that you have decided that Australians are wimps. How could you possibly be scared of magpies? Let me tell you that the creature we call a magpie is very different to the cute fluffy birdies that you call magpies. Wikipedia describes the Australian magpie as “a fairly robust bird ranging from 37 – 43 cm in length.” That's like describing Jack the Ripper as someone who was fairly unpleasant to spend an evening with.
Wikipedia does go on to describe two telling attributes of the magpie: it has “red eyes and a solid wedge-shaped... bill.” Personally I think the colour of the eyes is an insight into the true nature of this bird. Think of every demon you have ever seen on TV... they all have red eyes!!
Every spring when the female of the species is nesting the male gets all hormonal and feels the need to defend its territory. Now don't get me wrong – I'm all for the man of the house protecting his own. The trouble is that your average magpie male seems to be a little over zealous when taking up the role of defender. You don't have to be climbing the nesting tree to be classified as threat. You don't even have to be moving towards the tree. You merely have to be moving. I have watched a magpie determinedly attacking a wind powered garden sculpture... cause, you know, it might have designs on the fledglings. I passed that way again days later and the bird was still taking random swipes at the now rather battered ornament. Just in case it got ideas.
No one is safe. Dogs, cats, livestock, pedestrians... and cyclists. I am a firm believer that magpies prefer cyclists over any other target. Some postulate that this is because cyclists move faster and so, by quickly leaving the scene, positively reinforce the magpie's attack response. I postulate it's because magpies have figured out that a person on a bike is more vulnerable than one on foot and that the potential for mayhem is significantly increased. It is unlikely a pedestrian will run into the back of a parked car while fending off a magpie. A cyclist on the other hand...
From observation I have classified magpies into 4 groups.
- The Screamer
The first time this magpie is encountered it can be quite daunting. You first get the inkling that there might be a Screamer around when it starts screaming at the top of its lungs as if you have already turned its precious eggs into your morning omelette. This is followed by simulated attacks – much swooping, wing snapping and beak clacking. Once you know that a magpie is a Screamer they can be safely ignored. Be warned however - nothing is as constant as change. A Screamer can evolve so it pays to keep an eye on them. - The Stalker
Like the Screamer, the Stalker will do nothing more than take air swings. Unlike the Screamer, he employs a stealth approach. No, he hasn't been equipped by the USAF with fancy body geometry and radar absorbent paint... he has just worked out that a silent approach will be far more effective. Often the first warning the prey gets is a beak snap directly behind their head. Very off putting!!! Can be useful though if you are about to do an effort – that adrenalin will start the interval off with a bang! - The Striker
This magpie has decided that posture and threat is not enough – direct action is required. He warns of his violent intent with loud, harsh exhortations about what exactly it is he is going to do to you. Putting his body on the line, this bird will barge, peck and scratch in an effort to remove you from its territory... permanently. The Striker often times his attack such that the cyclist is about to enter a busy intersection for maximum carnage. - The Slayer
The most dangerous of all, this magpie is also an exponent of direct action... but views formal declarations of war as akin to giving a sucker an even break. A pre-emptive strike will be the first a victim knows of the altercation. This magpie is most dangerous of all, causing carnage far above his military might. His tally of helmet kills alone is substantial.
Cyclists have been observed to deal with magpies in a number of different (and often amusing) ways.
- What magpie?
The first method is very low tech: just ignore them. This works brilliantly for Screamers and Stalkers but not so well with Strikers and Slayers. Proponents of this method claim that the cycle helmet will protect the rider from the last two.
My view is that whilst it is commonly believed the more holes in the helmet the better (how else do you explain the fact that the less actual helmet you get the more you pay) I think that surely a helmet with enough magpie beak shaped holes has to lose something in the crash protection stakes. - Hands up all those who are under attack...
The second method requires a little more rider participation – raising the arm above the head. This method actually has some impact, not least because it informs the magpie that the victim is awake to their ploy and might even be prepared to retaliate in the unlikely event that they get such an opportunity. This impression can be further reinforced if the arm is waved about energetically as if the cyclist was being attacked by an invisible swarm of bees. The down side to this addition is that it makes the rider look like they think they are being attacked by an invisible swarm of bees. This is likely to confirm in the mind of any passing motorist what they already knew: that cyclists are, indeed, crazy.
This is the method I employ. Well, perhaps not the arm waving bit. At least not all the time. It is by no means fool proof but I've found that it works the best of all the methods I've tried. - The eyes have it.
It is believed by some that a magpie will not attack whilst you are looking at it and indeed this seems to be true in some cases. This has lead to pairs of eyes being drawn, painted, glued or otherwise attached to helmets all across this wide, brown land.
I suspect a magpie's reluctance to attack from the front is not due to any overbearing shyness but rather the fact that a victim is very unlikely to knowingly allow a Slayer close for the kill without taking some sort of preventative action. (Such action usually takes the form of a primitive dance with arms waving and head bobbing.) - Zipping along.
There has been a recent development in magpie repulsion technology - the zip-tie. The tie is placed through the holes of a helmet and then done up so that the long portion sticks up above the head. There is yet to be an industry standard as to the number of zip-ties used. That's ok - there is yet to be an industry standard on attaching cassettes to hubs and they have been around for as long as the bicycle itself. Numbers of ties employed seem to range from an antenna like two to a Guy-Sebastian-on-a-bad-hair-day like multitude that leave no actual helmet visible. The thinking behind this innovation is that these extensions will mean the magpie will be put off from swooping too close and/or hitting the helmet itself.
I'm dubious as to the efficiency of this method – as if a Slayer is going to give up because of a few measly zip-ties! If I am wrong and there is something in this I reckon it would have more to do with the magpies laughing too hard to fly than any fear of the additional appendages.
There are a number of other methods that could be listed but from my observations they don't have a high enough market penetration to warrant detailed description here. I will give an honourable mention to one variant of the zip-tie method though. I observed a cyclist who had a small leafy branch sticking out the top of their helmet, presumably in an effort to confuse the magpies as to whether they should attack the rider or nest in the branch.
As far as I know there is only one sure way to defeat the magpie... wait him out. Most (but not all) magpies return to peaceful ways 2 – 3 months after hostilities began, giving cyclists another 3 seasons of relative safety.
Guess I'll see you in summer then.
Tortoise
